Marking...

Paladin and I had a talk last nite that I woke up thinking about and now I can't get back to sleep. So I thought that perhaps if I got up and wrote about it.. I'd feel better.

Back when I was a submissive... and slave... I always loved it when My Master marked Me. This was for a couple of reasons. The first.... was that He loved it. And of course...anything He loved... so did I (pretty much...I will admit.. He loved spankings much more then I did.) His marking Me...always meant a lot to Him. Sometimes....He would do it on purpose. Other times... it was simply a result of His.... enthusiasm for Me... and our power exchange. I always felt it was my 'job'... that if there was something He loved....or wanted... then My job was to love it and want it as much if not more then He. I suppose I also saw them as something of a 'grade' The more marks I had... the better job I had done. I know that He also enjoyed marking Me as His 'possession' He loved knowing those marks were there....and so did I.

Now.. when I say 'marks'.... these were normally some minor bruises... often some scratches... and occasionally some bite marks and shall we say.. suction marks. None of the marks were horrid awful painful ones, although they could look worse then they were sometimes. Master's watch word was to "Never damage the precious property", and I have always followed this guideline with Paladin as well. Some of them were ... well... certainly marks of great passion. The bruises might come from being held very tightly.. Master was a strong man then... and when He gripped Me.. well.. often there would be marks from that. And.. He would also get carried away... and I loved those marks too.. again.. it came down to doing My job as a slave and inspiring Him past His usual calm and logic into pure animalisitic passion.

Another other reason that I loved it when He would mark Me.... was that I cherished the fact.. that I could please Him enough for Him to be that... 'enthusiastic'. This meant... that I had inspired Him.. and given Him great pleasure. As a slave... I felt that to give him pleasure.. was My greatest duty.. and .. those marks were the lasting proof that I had done it exceedingly well.

But.... the biggest reason that I loved those marks.... were because they were a link.. between He and I. For those times we were not together.. and yet... the marks remained. However they had gotten there.. on purpose.. or as by product of pleasing Him... either way... I always cherished those marks very, very dearly. If for some reason, I did not have marks at the end of a session, or the time came to part..I would beg Him to give Me some sort of one before He left. He never ever had to ask Me to do this.. it was just something I loved, wanted.. and.. needed. If I did not have some mark from Master upon Me... I felt...truly naked no matter how dressed I might be. His marking Me... was very important to us both.

I never thought much about what someone would say if they saw them on Me. I suppose they would have assumed it was from My own Knight... and He never said much about them.... other then to say with a smile....I must have made Master quite 'happy'. If someone else had, anyone (including My parents or friends or whoever).. I suppose it would simply have been marked down to 'great passions'.. and that.. would have been something of a compliment. That again.. I could inspire that in someone.

Ever since I have been with Paladin... I found Myself in the position of My past Master. I loved to mark him. Sometimes... I would get carried away just a bit. Sometimes... I did it on purpose. Other times...it was just the result of ......extreme passions. And sometimes.. I did it.. so that those marks would be there later. Personally... I loved knowing that after I was gone... My marks were still there.

But.... it turns out.. that Paladin is not nearly as happy with them as I am. The last two times I saw him last week, I waited to see if he would ask to be marked without My signaling him to.
He didn't. And when he did ask after I signaled him to, and I denied it once... he did not ask again as he is supposed to... and I did not pursue it. I was.....disappointed... but let it go. I AM striving to stay as well balanced as possible and I did not want to let it over affect Me.

In My last posting... I mention having him do the mark on his thigh. This meant writing YOURS.. as he has for Me many times in the past. Since the idea was that I wasn't going to be seeing him, I wanted this to be an ongoing reminder of My presence to him. When I asked him last nite on the phone how he felt about it.. .he was considerably less then enthusiastic about it. His answers was "It's fine Mystress" But something in his tone struck Me... as not being very happy about. Lack of... enthusiasm shall we say. So... upon further query's....it turns out... that he is worried about someone.. anyone... seeing them. He feels that what is between us is very private... and that it is no one else's business. And so.. he's not comfortable with having Me do it 'just in case' someone 'might' find out. Yes... I suppose they might.

(sigh)

This... makes Me kinda sad. Yes....it is only one facet of us.. but.. to Me... well.. it meant a lot..and it was important to Me. Of course... I could still do it.. but... there are few things I like to force him into. And... well..... I don't know why I had mistakenly thought that he felt the same way about marking that I did and liked it as much as I did. But... as it turns out... he doesn't.. Not really. None of the reasons that I loved it as a slave are reason's that surpass his concerns about someone finding out. And unlike the Me that was a slave.. he doesn't really feel the 'need' to have Me mark him. When I did beg Master to mark Me in the past.... I really really did 'need' it.. and I meant it.. and I knew how much it pleased Him.

For Paladin though..I'm afraid that his overriding concern is the chance that someone might see it..his parents.. or friends.. or who knows whom else.... and then he'd be embarrassed about having to explain something he never wants anyone to know. He'd said the other night that he preferred the marking with the pen, that way he could 'wash it off' if he needed to. Oh. I see. Hmmmm. I would never have thought of getting rid of Master's marks that way if He has seen fit to ever mark Me that way, although I suppose if there was an emergency and there was a chance of someone I didn't want to see it, seeing it.. well.. I might. But stiill.. on the other hand... that someone wanted Me enough to have Me write that.. I think I'd just use some humor and say that 'Someone really, really likes Me'.. and to Me, it would still be a bit of a compliment. But he did have a point.. the pen could be washed off or faded quickly. So while it was not My preferred option.. it was still one. Until last nite. When again... he was considerably less then enthusiastic about it. It's the same reasons as the physical marks. What if someone sees it? So... I told him that he can come up with some way to do it that might not bother him so much.

But.. the more I thought about it as I tossed and turned last nite was... what the hell's the point to that???? This is not something he looks forward to, or enjoys My doing to him or having him do. Granted that there are things I have him do that he doesn't like. But.. I suppose.. therein lies the rub. Because.....

It occurs to Me.. that with My Master I always found the marking part a strong and positive aspect to our bonding. Whether he was doing something that was going to leave a mark, or by the feel of the grip I would know "Oh... now THAT's going to leave a mark!".. and it would make make Me smile.. and be happy for it. Again.. both that he enjoyed it.. and that I wanted it. And the purposeful marks.. well.. those were truly deep bonding. Knowing...that he was doing this strictly to proclaim his ownership of parts of Me in certain ways. I loved it! It was always extra special. And.. .I am sure that there are times he waited for Me to ask him to mark Me. Because I could see that he was watching Me sometimes in certain ways. And it would cause Me to think and wonder.. and then.. if it was like near the end of the visit.. that I had no mark yet. And I would ask him to please, please leave Me with the mark of His ownership before He left. And he would always get a wide and happy grin at that. And He would always agree. I don't believe He ever made Me truly beg for it.. although it would have been very easy. He'd get that look in his eye.. and move close to Me.. and then He would most often leave a suction mark on a breast. Always below where the neckline of My garments would fall.


Up to this point... I have always felt like that with Paladin. I loved, I mean really LOVED being able to do the same thing to him. To have him pick where he wanted Me to leave that mark. But to realize now.. that it bothers him so much is quite disconcerting to Me. I suppose learning that at this stage has even shaken Me just a bit. But I am working on getting over it.

Now... To be quite fair to dear Paladin, he does wear the sword necklace and bracelet all the time, those are certainly both symbols that he belongs to Me. And.. I do love that he wears them. and whenever he is home, he wears his restraints. I suppose I have to accept that those will be the signs of My ownership of him....but you know what? They are still not quite the same as the kind of marks I had in mind. Nor are they as much fun. (wistful smile)
While I can control what he does, or doesn't do, I can't control how he views it, or feels about it. And that he doesn't enjoy it as I do, is sad and somewhat disappointing. I suppose I'd always hoped that My slave would want Me to mark them as much as I had wanted My Master to mark Me. That it would be something that they would love.. and cherish and desire the experience of.

I do want to take it all in consideration. All of the wonderful things that he does.. and who he is. There is so much more to us then just this aspect of us. I have to try and keep it in context. And... I want to do what's best for him and his peace of mind... and well being. His happiness is vital to My own well being. Being as balanced and fair to him as I can possibly be is very, very important to Me.

So.... for now... I'm suspending My requirement that he mark himself, and I suppose even My marking him as well. This means now.. I'll have to be careful.. and pay attention to what I do..and don't do. Just about the last thing I want to have to do as Mystress.
But..I''ll do it..... sadly and with a heavy heart. Something does feel tragically lost to Me in this.
He likes Me to be happy.. but at this moment in time... I am not happy in regards to this difference in how we feel about this, and My decision to no longer mark him in any way for now.
But for now.. it feels like the right thing to do for him.

I'm sure that he and I will revisit this in conversation and we'll see how things progress. As I said a moment ago, Paladin does always want Me to be happy with things.. just as I want him to be happy with things. And even though I am the 'boss'.. I do try to keep things balanced between us. I don't want to make him uncomfortable with this specific thing. Either he wants it and will enjoy it, desire and crave it and truly beg Me for it..... or it won't happen anymore. . He said last nite that at first, there were things that he was uncomfortable with that now he likes.. and that this marking part is still new to him. So perhaps, now that he's lost it he'll find that he valued it.

I don't wish to dwell on this.. I did however want to make sure that I made really communicated clearly to Paladin how I felt about all this. This blog....is often a large part of our communications. We can write here at length from our sometimes hidden thoughts..it's a 'free zone' Either of us can say what we feel. I want to keep in mind all the positive aspects to us and have them be more important than anything else in our relationship. But this particular aspect of us will need some compromise and resolution. One of our greatest strengths is our ability to communicate.. and again, I'm sure we will about this. I can't help but wish that what other's thought, or what might happen didn't matter quite so much to him.

But for now.... as I suspend all marking....
I'll...miss it.. and all the things it once meant to Me..
and for all the things it doesn't mean to him right now.
Mystress