Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Changing Mantra

Greetings all,

Many know that Paladin has had a mantra since I've had him.  But I don't think that I posted about when we relocated, Paladin gave me a mantra as well to help with my readjustment to life here.  He did it because he is dedicated to looking after me, especially  my mental well being.

And it goes "Mystress is Number One and lives in a Crazy Free Zone" He will normally ask for my mantra when he knows I am feeling overwhelmed or something has triggered me as a means of grounding me and making me remember how safe I am now and what a wonderful life we have together now. 

If I'm not doing too great, I tend to dodge the answers as first.  The way it plays out is that Paladin will say "Mystress is what?"  If I'm doing well, I can say "Number One" right off.  Other times, I may slide sideways and say something like "Pet's Owner'  and he'll smile and repeat the question.  And then I may say "In love with Pet". Sometimes I'll come right out and say "Not doing well" or "a mess".  He is nothing if not persistent gently holding me and repeating the question until I answer "Number One".  Then he'll ask "And lives in a ? Again, my answer will depend on my mood.  If I'm off, I'll dodge that too.  Worst answer in my own mind is "A world of nightmares" or "Really fucked up".  Best is "In a Crazy Free Zone".    

About a week ago, when I was stressing over some Christmas details in regards to the family visit he decided to add something else to my mantra.  And that is something that I have honestly never even thought to have as an aspect of my life.  And that is "Carefree". I mean seriously, how many folks do incorporate that as an aspect of their life??  Carefree.  Really pet?  I know what it means, but I decided to go and look it up for the official definition.
Free from anxiety or responsibility.

careless - happy-go-lucky - light-hearted - jaunty

Jaunty huh?  Don't know about that one, but I sure like the light-hearted part, as well as the 'free from anxiety or responsibility'.  Seeing as I have always been the responsible one.. to let go in that regards and let Paladin be the responsible one is something new to adjust to.  My ex, God love him, was sooo flightly that coming out of 12 years with him still as sane as I am was a miracle.  Which is why of course Paladin in his brilliantness has chosen the very words that he has.  He was there, he KNOWS what it was like. Especially the last 5 years.  >insert eye roll here

 So my new mantra in it's entirety now is: "Mystress is Number One and lives in a Crazy and Care Free Zone".  It's taken some adjusting to I have to say.  And I am still marveling at Paladin's choice in building my mantra for me for my well being.  Carefree.... Wow.. Funny that I have to work at it.  We've been here for almost 9 months, and it still seems like an amazing dream.   But its not. It's wonderfully real!  Each day, is better then the next.  This new life,  living full time with my amazing Paladin is better then I might even have thought to dream of.  

On another fun sort of note, we went to my Vet Center's Christmas party last nite, and several of the other ladies from my MST group where there.  Two of them in particular had their eyes light up when they saw Paladin, who sat with his arm around me, rubbing my shoulder and arm lightly.  He could tell the energy in the room had me a bit stressed and he was doing his best to comfort me.  There was one very uncomfortable moment with a male veteran trying to find out what "war" I'd been in, and when I said "The Invisible War" he said it didn't exist.  Wrong monkey fucker! (to use a term I heard Paladin call his friends last nite) I was there, I was wounded and almost killed in it. Your just either ignorant or one of 'them'.  In fact, the documentary is now on the Oscar's short list!

 Anyways.. back to the fun parts. The two ladies were mouthing to me how cute he is, and how affectionate.  Made me grin inside and outside.  Oh whoo wee.. if they had any inkling of the truth.  Like how I'd just had him cleaning the kitchen naked in spite of some mild grumbling the other day.   My counselor was there too, and it was obvious she was quite impressed with him as well. When they shook hands she acted lightly like his obvious strength had crushed her hand and he rapidly apologized, to which she laughed and said she was joking. But I patted him on his wide and muscular chest and said "It's that rugby Captain thing" to which she nodded and appreciated Paladin's pure hunkiness quite openly.  In group, I call him my Hero.. as he is.  And it was nice to see that the ladies in my group can see how wonderful and sweet he is. And as we all know here.. that's just the tip of his considerable ice burg. *winks*

So, with that. I'm off to go do some more Christmas arts and crafts. I am enjoying putting together my own wreath and making gold and silver pine cone decorations from the cones we collected during our Thanksgiving camping trip. 

I hope all are having a nice holiday season,

Monday, December 3, 2012

The Flip Side of the Do-Me sub

Hello friends and readers,

 In the realm of do-me subs, Paladin is about as far from that as can be.  He is truly a most unusual man. 

After I wrote the previous piece for both education and venting, it made me reflect and appreciate about my remarkable Paladin. And those differences seem quite notable and worthy of comment. I wrote this short piece for Fet and decided that it dovetails with the previous post.

In the five years that I've had Paladin, he has never once asked me to either touch him or make him cum. He's whined and begged when tied up and teased, even when I am stroking him... but not for that. He begs and pleads.... to be able to touch Me. Me. Not himself or any part of himself. He's never once asked for anything for himself. Amazing to be sure! He desires above all.. to please me. It's actually pretty cute when he gets to whining "but I want to touch Mystress...." few would ever think that was really Paladin doing all that pleading and begging, but he does. *big grin* and I stay just beyond his bound but grasping fingertips. And then, when I do lay next to him, release him from his bindings, and give him the magical words of 'at ease' he always rolls over and gathers me close to him making the sweetest little stallion noises as he hugs and nuzzles me begging to give me pleasures.
Yup.... not a bone of 'do-me' in the boy.
It's good to be Queen to a pet such as he!

Hope all are enjoying the season,

Friday, November 30, 2012

'Do-me' subs...

Greetings all,

As a first note, this is NOT remotely about Paladin. But it is something that's been on my mind and I've been thinking about.  In my first note back from my trip, I noted that I had other things to discuss, and there's not been any mention of J either.  This relates to him. I'd been waiting for the right time to write about this here, and it seem this is the time.

And this, is what summed it up and broke it open so I could find a place to write about this from. I came across this on Fet by MissJenny The Waxinatrix (from LA ) a Pro Domme and it really struck me as well said, so I wanted to share it. I wrote to ask her if I could use it and she said sure. (This is how to find her on Fet if anyone wants to -

Already I see a response in my inbox. I can't resist opening it...
Hello mistress I am a curious slave looking to serve. I want or worship your sexy legs. Feet. Sit on my face for your pleasure. I've been a bad boy mommy may punish ,e. capture me and punish me commandant.

My lunch has a few seconds to go, so I respond:
I can see you're a total newbie. You don't seem to understand the difference between a slave and a 'do-me bottom'. A slave asks a Mistress what She wants of him and is prepared to do mundane chores for Her. A 'do-me bottom' just cares about his own kinks. And the whole "I've been a bad boy mommy, punish me!' sounds like something out of a bad porn...Still, no matter. I can train you. You may worship My feet and legs. I will imprison you. I will sit on your face (strictly CFNM) and show you what true BDSM is all about.

She goes on to relate the other reply's she got.  The part that stood out to me though, is what she says about the difference between a slave and 'do-me bottom' in one of the best ways I'd read.  Why this comes up for me is that I have had stopped 'training'  J the local sub who had come to feel like more of a do-me bottom then a real  sub.  He has submissive tendencies, but lord, he just can't seem to let go and let the Domme be in control.  He means well, but he makes me feel nuttier then I already am sometimes.    Although he is very kind and helpful, when I was training him, he was very vocal about wanting to be touched and 'played'.  He wanted me to jerk him off.  I can't help him with that, I can understand that he wants it, maybe even needs it,  but it also means we are not a good match for what he wants.  If he was just a 'service' sub, come clean and hang out, yeah, that would work.  But he also has some communication problems (although he doesn't think so, yet he's written several times about 'misunderstandings'... which to my mind is... communication problems!  Geeesh).  Communication is a huge deal to me and if someone can't get it together, then I can't hang with it for very long.  It gets to be too much work and totally un-enjoyable. So those two things were big on my mind before my trip to CA.

Here is the back story of what brought it a crescendo before crashing down:

While I was away in California, I thought about it a lot, and had come to the conclusion that I was feeling too much pressure from him to go further then I was comfortable with.  Then I found myself feeling guilty for this. And then, that made me mad.  In all the years I've owned Paladin, he never once made me feel guilty for anything.  He will defer an orgasm for himself when asked after I've had more then I can count.  Sometimes I'll insist, and he's always happy, but he's never unhappy when he doesn't.  Always the same amazing warm, loving and protective pet.  The Ultimate.   J posted a question about the 'Perfect sub or slave'.  Most folks, including myself said there is no such thing.  But... Paladin is as close as I think there is in 99% of the ways.  So, I mused and compared  his non-pressure to J's always present pressure on my long  train trip back, and had made the decision to back him way off and that was before he screwed up my birthday.

Some long term readers may remember that my brother was buried on my birthday, and that my mom died just before it, and my bday was two days before hers and she's always said I was her best bday present... so, my bday is always a tough day.    Paladin had to work, but we had plans for dinner.  My best new friend here in Texas, Lady A, knew that my bday is a tough day and wanted to be sure I wasn't alone if I didn't want to be.  Unbeknownst to me, sub J asked her what to get me for my birthday, she told him TWICE to call me and invite me out to lunch.    On the morning of my birthday, I was sooo glad to be home, but I knew what day it was, and here, far from CA where I grew up, feeling alone, I wished that J had asked me out to lunch so I didn't have to be all alone.  Later in the day , I saw Lady A online, and she asked how I was doing. I told her I was feeling a bit down.  She asked hadn't J invited me to lunch and told her no... was he supposed to?  And she blew up.. yes.. he was supposed to.. she hadn't wanted me to be alone on my bday if I didn't want to. She said she had told him twice!   And then.. whoops.. J had stepped on the land mine that was my bday.  Reasonable or not, it infuriated me that he hadn't done what he had been told, and exactly when his obedience counted the most.  He said that he had decided I wouldn't want company or to do anything after my long trip, so he didn't ask.  But.. in retrospect.. that was just a ongoing pattern with him.  It was all more then I could handle, and with Paladins support and encouragement, I dropped J from being in Service to me, but kept him as a member of The House of Swan on Fet, He was devastated and made me feel terrible for the decision I made to preserve myself and my sanity. But I have to take care of myself first, and so I've stuck by my decision. 

In the time since I've been back, I've kept in contact with him, and am still mentoring him.  I hope he can find what he wants, but he'll have to drop so much negativity and find a way to buoy himself up.  I know it's not just me that feels this way, because many of the other Domme's in the area feel the same way.  His self loathing has led to our SAF party host to not want his help for many things she needs help with.  She says he scares her some with his attitudes, and that its just too hard to keep propping someone up who only sees the negative side of life.

So... whats a 'do-me sub' to do to get done?  As one friend said, 'too bad prostitution is illegal, cuz the boy really needs to get laid." Agreed.  But he needs to also learn that the whining about being so lonely and wanting everyone to touch him is a huge turn off.  

Anyways.. so.. that's my bit about do-me subs.  Beware of them, they are exhausting!

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving, as we did camping with our wonderful friends!  Paladin proved himself amazing yet again in his setting up and tearing down of camp.

New surprise last week? Paladin's family has decided to come visiting the week before Christmas.  So we have some things to do to get ready for them.  Paladin says this time will be different from last time, although I still have to stay alone in my room upstairs while they are here again.  ;-(  But. on the good side, my divorce will be final on Jan 30... and then, I shouldn't have to do the upstairs bit again!  

Hope everyone is as happy as they can be,
Best wishes for the holiday season,


Sunday, November 25, 2012

Thanksgiving Celebrations

Hello All

Its been so very long since my last post and for a variety of reasons all of which are super duper and centered around my dear Mystress.

We have been happily living 24/7 now and branching out mixing with our new family in Texas. We are so lucky to have found such wonderful new friends here as its made our transition a breeze so far. B & B have been the best and this Thanksgiving we started a new tradition, camping with friends for Thanksgiving :) Yes i said camping...yes at this time of the year.

It was a cool and at times a cold trip but one we fully enjoyed from the Wednesday we left till the Saturday we returned. We didn't dwell on the cold but rather we drank hot coffee and warmed our hearts sharing the time with friends. B & B were there the entire time and we spent all our time with them, sitting around and endless camp fire exchanging stories and discussions, growing closer and becoming better friends. We discussed everything from setting ourselves up better for more camping and what we need and should do, to our new extended family and all that's occurring within it.

Throughout the trip, other friends came up to spend a day with us all. It was great to host the one day visitors each day as it brought a change we could all share together. A change in topic, a change in mood, all different yet all very very enjoyable.

Based on this trip, and the open invitation to the next years, we shall surely take up the invitation and enjoy the new yearly tradition. One Mystress and I shall enjoy so along with all the other traditions we already share. Its so awesome to build these wonderful traditions with my Mystress for the bring us together so strongly. I cant imagine life here any different without my dear Mystress.

Lovingly living with my Mystress


Thursday, November 8, 2012

Back From CA

Greetings friends and readers!

Its been a long while since I posted here.  Looks like I need to remind Paladin to do his postings too.  

I did post a bit about my trip on my MST blog, and did a venting about family on Fet Life.  I've been working on a couple of projects here and just finished one today. And that is something I wanted to share here too.  

The trip to CA was great.  I got to see a lot of folks and beautiful sights.  California doesn't feel like home anymore, and after 3 weeks, I was more then ready to get home to Paladin and friends here.  And the peace of home.  But... as Paladin pointed out, if I had, then I would have missed what for me, was the best part of the trip, and that was watching the Space Shuttle Endeavour leaving LAX at 2:30 in the morning.  I was staying with my best friend since elementary school and we'd both missed the flyovers.  I missed them in both TX and CA and she missed LA's as she was working.  So she was determined to get up and see it leave the airport.  It was a truly amazing experience.  So here, below is the video I made of splicing some takes together, and then used 'Faith of the Heart' from the Star Trek show Enterprise which fit in just perfectly.  

It's been great to be back home.  We had our first Halloween in our new home and we took turns handing out the candy.    Turns out there are lots and lots of kids in our neighborhood.  

I didn't feel like going out too much since I got back, I was around so many people on my trip, that I pretty much wanted to just hole up for a bit.  Paladin was very understanding and supportive of it too.  But he did prompt me for us go start going to see our friends, so this week we are getting back in the swing of things.  We went to coffee with our Fet Life family last nite, and going to the dinner munch tonight.  It's always great to meet new folks and see friends we've gotten to know again too.

Next weekend the local groups Sat party will be for Spanksgiving.  *Grins*  Which sounds like a good time.

I have more on other subjects to write about as well, but for now, this is a start.  I hope all are happy and well out there.  I"ll be catching up on the blogs over the next couple of days. 

Take care,
Mystress .   

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Happily Missing Mystress

Hello All.

Its been sometime since i last posted and for that i apologize. As you all can see from Mystress's posts...things have been super busy and at least for Mystress, its still going to be a very busy time.

Now how can one be Happy to miss someone you ask? I know its so strange. Mystress has been gone for 1 and 1/2 weeks now and i already miss her bunches. Nothing is the same, the empty bed, the after work evenings nor the weekends. We are always together and do everything together so its very strange to not have Mystress around and that's why i miss my sweet Mystress so much. And with over 2 weeks still left on her trip, the longing and missing shall continue till her happy return. Each day i count the day as a win for me, for its one day closer till Mystress is home.

But even though i miss her bunches...I am very Happy. Happy that Mystress is on such a wonderful trip. Visiting new family, old friends, and doing all she wants without a care in the world. No time limits, no worries...just wonderful times. Mystress has so deserved this wonderful trip and i remind her often to not be sad about being apart, but to channel that into enjoying the trip fully. One doesn't get lucky often to have such a trip come up. So again...please Mystress enjoy your trip for i am so very happy you have the chance to have such a long trip. I cant wait till your home to hear about every detail...but till then...ENJOY ENJOY ENJOY.

Love Paladin

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Doing Better

I'ts been a rough time.. but Paladin is home and I am doing better.  

New and old friendships are things I cherish and don't let go of easily.  I am trying to be able to bend better with the winds that sometimes threaten to tear me apart.  It's only 3 days till I leave for Calif for a month.  I am hoping I am up to it.  Paladin says to enjoy it as much as I can, to relax and play.  I want to and expect to.  This will be my first long vacation in... well. I think ever.  Longer then two weeks anyways, and I was still on call then.  

Thank you for the kind thoughts and letters from folks, it all meant a lot. 

Best wishes to all,

Sunday, September 9, 2012


A good day goes bad.

In the morning, a new Fet Life friend that Paladin and I have met a few times came and gave me a wonderful pedicure.  It was his first, and he did an excellent job and learned quickly.  We had a charming chat and visit. He had loaned me 50 Shades to read (which I was surprised that I enjoyed so much and I have ordered my own set from Amazon that will be here on Tue) and it was time for me to give it back since there are others waiting to borrow it from him and I wanted to get it back to him before I leave on Sat. So that visit was the good part. 

I have been looking forward  to my trip to CA, and I still am.  But now.... my heart is heavier and sadder about it.   I only have so much time there, and much family and friends to see.  My plans are based on many other people and their schedules and their availability while I am there.  

One of the plans I had changed  Fri night.  I am lucky enough that my ex-Master, M has offered me a vehicle to use while I am in Sacramento, saving me a few hundred dollars in car rental fees.  He was supposed to work the night I arrive, so another good friend, D was picking me up and taking me to get the vehicle and then to her place, and the next day I drive to Antioch to see a couple friends for a day and a half, then drive to San Francisco to see my mother's best friend, and my now adopted mother. When I got back, I would get a chance to see M.

Well, something has come up, and now, M has to leave town while I am in SF, and he won't be back till after I am in LA.  So he took the evening off of work so he could pick me up and have at least an evening to visit with me.  He has been of enormous support over the last few years, and means very much to me. He even came and moved all of my things to Paladin's house when it was time for me to get ready for this move to TX.   He is considered part of our intimate 'poly family'.  So I needed to change my plans to accommodate his change in plans.  This meant he would pick me up from the airport and I'd spend the night at his place, and leave the next day.  I had planned to stop and take my friend D to lunch, and then I was to stay with her when I got back from SF for the weekend that we both volunteer at the Stand Down for homeless veterans. So D was getting a good chunk of my time in Sac.

*sighs*  D and I had a 'date' in Second Life yesterday, and I chased my morning visitor out early so I could spend the day with her.  A few moments after we met up in SL, I communicated to her that my plans were fluid based on what other folks availability, and that as such, M was picking me up from the airport, but that I'd stop by for lunch on my way to SF, and then be back to stay with her Thur-Sun morning, and then I'd go to my other friends from Sun-Wed when my friend from LA comes to get me.   Well..  D then says "Well, on second thought, I'll just meet you at the Stand Down' and with that, logs out of SL, leaving me stunned and in tears.  WTF????    

So, I spent the day and night in a tailspin.. shocked and upset.  It's easy enough for me to stay with my 2nd friend C as she had wanted me to be with her all along, but I wanted to give D some special time too. She is also a vet and dealing with MST. She was supposed to be my 'support person' while I am at the Stand Down.  But now... it feels like she has just dumped me.  I waited in SL all day for her to come back.. but she never did.  I was very close to getting very very drunk yesterday to deal with the pain of what feels like an emotional stomach punch and slap across the face.    I cried all day, all nite, and woke with tears still in my eyes.  I am so hurt.  I only have so much time.. and so I'm supposed to take his car but not see him??? Realize that he will be gone when I get back from SF, and I can't change those plans, there are other folks that have built their calenders around me.  My friend in Antioch only gets off early on Sun, so I don't want to wait a day to go see them.  My mom's friend has been greatly looking forward to my seeing her, I can't cut her short... plus.. I was already scheduled to stay D for the days I was supposed to be with her, and be at the Stand Down all day Fri and Sat, and with her in the evenings after we go home for the night, over one short evening with M.  I don't even get in town till 8:50pm, so it's not like a long nite.  And I  will have been traveling since 9am.. I'm on CMT, two hours ahead of CA and I know I'll be exhausted early.. so the time I have with him won't be much as it is.  Please, someone... tell me what else I could do to fit all this in?????

I miss Paladin terribly. He was in contact with me via txt all day, and I know he was upset for me.  He told me I was doing my best, and that it didn't seem fair for this friend to get so upset.  He had the same thought I did.  He said "That would be like my getting in town, borrowing my mom's car while she was out and leaving to see friends and knowing she wouldn't be in town when I finally got back with her car. That's not the right thing to do at all." He had watched me pricing rental cars before M offered me up a vehicle borrow and knew that was a cost I had been trying to get to work, and how relieved I was when M offered up the car.  Plus.. I do still love M very much, he is family.  There were many times he has taken me on a short trip out of town (with Paladin's support and encouragement) to a ritzy suite in Reno, and plied me with champagne and a giant jacuzzi bubble bath, and yummy meals when I was so severely depressed.   He went out of his way to give me some good mental get- a-ways and get me to laugh some.  He has helped me out financially many times, and it's his car he (as a car mechanic fixed up) sold me that got me here to TX and that I rely on so much now. He truly helped keep me sane when it felt like things were crumbling around me over the past several years.  I trust him fully with all my heart, and he has always done it good.  And, if I hadn't had Paladin, he would have intervened and moved me to his cabin rather then let my ex make me totally nuts.  It wouldn't feel right to be so near and not see him!! I do owe much of my sanity to him in several ways.  

*Sighs again*.  I love this friend D, I really do.  But we lost several years when she had a bad drinking problem and blew me off when I tried to call and reconnect with her.  It had been a few months since we had spoken, and she snarled at me that if I was only going to call her once in a while, to never call her again.  I remember how hurt I was then, but thought 'okay.'  I only contacted her shortly before my move to TX because I had her mother's garden chair and I wanted her to have the chance to have it back again.  D didn't remember having been so nasty to me, but I did and so did Paladin, as he remembered how hurt I'd been when that happened. She apologized for that, said she didn't remember it.  So I accepted her apology and have rebuilt my friendship with her since then, but honestly, this all feels like that time before when she hurt me so badly.   Still no word from her, so I guess I will make my plans for my trip without her. I am also afraid now... if I did stay with her and she blew up at me like this.... it could be.. too damaging to me. I need grace.. and patience.. and understanding of my situation, which I thought she had.  But now... I am hurt and afraid.

By this time tomorrow, Paladin will be home.. and I'll be so glad to have him back.

Our new sub J, has been very helpful and I give him kudos for keeping in touch and doing his best to help me.  He did come and vacuum my whole upstairs on Fri, and I greatly appreciated it, and we had a nice visit with some other friends to play board games here on Fri night.   But I also know, he wants to be 'played', and used some.  But right now.. that is beyond me.  I don't want anyone or thing but Paladin. I don't want to think about what I have to say, or keep someone company or be a hostess. I don't feel very nice, so it's best I just be alone.  It's all I can do minute by minute right now to not go and up-end something liquid to kill this pain.