Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Holiday Reflections - with a PS

Greetings Friends....

Two weekends ago, Paladin came to put up our Christmas decorations....for the last time. Here anyways. As he did.. we reflected on the years that he has been doing it for us. We talked about the first year, when we had a new kitten.. and how Paladin had to be sure that the decorations were higher then we hoped said kitten would reach. We laughed in memory of said kitten going right up the middle of the tree, bringing it and all its lovely decorations crashing to the ground.

That said kitten, is now a fine handsome cat who while sniffing at the tree this year, opted to recline on his catnip ladden perch with a semi-dreamy look in his eyes supervising it all from there.

This years decorating.. was .. a bit more sombre as we talked about what we would take, and what we wouldn't. Mostly.. we will start out all new in our new place. I have some straw and gold ornaments that I got while I was in Germany in 1999, and a Mystress glass slipper one from a local Domme party we went to together.
Other then that.... none of them are sentimental to me, or to us. So someone will end up with a big box of donated decorations.

After the decorating, we walked through the little duplex I live in, deciding what things would go, and what would be sold or given away. I am only taking about 1% of what is here. I have a few family treasures that will come along.. some books and clothes, my Reiki table and things, but other then that, I'm going light and all for a fresh start.

On Christmas eve, as the step kids opened their presents, and a lovely evening was had, I couldn't help but think, this was my last Christmas with this family as it is. Only the older step son knows what's going on. And I have his full support. He loves me, and his dad, and Paladin, and his Dad's sub.. although he thinks she's 'just' the Secretary (knows and is glad his Dad is moving in with her, just doesn't know the D/s aspect to any of us) . He fully supports this move of mine with Paladin to get better. He knew some of why I couldn't have kids, I had told him before his dad and I were married, but he never knew it all. No one did. But on Thur nite we went to see him, and I gave him a copy of my doc's letter to the VA, explaining the attack and what had happened, and its subsequent devestating effect on me over the years. He hugged me tightly after and promised that he'll always be the son I'll never have. Having his support and blessing means a lot. He promises to come visit Paladin and I where we are going. He also said he would figure out how to explain it all to his younger and not so open minded sister. Who, was blissfully unaware of the underlying sadness the other 3 of us had, knowing that after 12 years, this was the last Christmas like this one. We didn't want to ruin her Christmas so kept the secret to ourselves for the time being.

Paladin himself was far away in another town with his parents and siblings for the holiday, and I felt his distance and it was hard to have him so far away. Even though we kept in touch by txt the whole time, just knowing he's local helps keep me calmer. I was glad when he landed on Mon evening and was home safe and sound.

So, now the holiday is over.. and the last one of the year approaches. We've all spent New Years together the past 4 years, and this year, the four of us will gather at Paladin's home again. And as we ring in the new year. then changes will take place. A new year and a new future for all of us. Paladin and I have spoken of getting my Knight and his sub tickets to fly where we are next year for New Years and continue our tradition of celebrating it all together. We'll see what the New Year actually brings, and how things unfold.

Wishing all out there a safe and semi-sane New Year.
Safe paths to all,

P.S. The meeting with my Dad went well, and he hopes to meet Paladin soon. I had to cancel on Mon due to a sick friend being here, but then, it turned out the day I went was my Dad's 92 birthday, so we had a nice lunch and a great visit. And I got to bring my Mom's hope chest back, so now it's the first thing at Paladin's of mine to go with his things to our new home.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

A New Circle

Dear Friends,

Paladin writes of changes and of a new start for the two of us in a new place as a full time pair. Indeed... in the swoop of my own bone rattling events, dear Paladin had his own sudden shock of life change that stopped everything in its tracks and set to face him in a new direction. In that, he reached out his hand to me, and asked me to join him. Faced with a circumstance, discussions and consultations were had, research done, a consensus reached and finally, decisions made.

It seems, the best thing is for me to go away with Paladin to start a fresh life, and to heal. He has offered me a life of no more worries, to give me a safe, solid, and very importantly, a sane home. One where I won't have to scratch to survive like I have for the past decade in spite of my best efforts. My Knight and I part ways, and he goes to live happily with his own sub. We will all remain good friends, and in time, they will come to visit us in our new home.

There will be a Vet Center about 10 miles from where we are going and my VA therapist says I can continue my program there. I consulted with her tonight about it, and she too feels this move is in my best interests. Paladin says my focusing on healing is the most important thing now, and that will be all that I am to do in this new life with him. Well, and entertain our guests. *happy smiles* As Paladin said tonight in a txt, he'll be sure that I will live in a "crazy free zone'. I'll never, ever be able to thank Paladin enough for this new life with him, but I can promise friends, I'll darn sure make the most of it!!!

Paladin says we are going to build a new circle together in our new town. We are going far from both of our families and friends, so it will be the two of us clinging to each other and adventuring in new places. We'll have a place for friends and family to come visit, and we hope to make some vacation visits ourselves as Paladin mentions.

So, things are beginning, but we expect it will take a few months to complete. We will be patient as we can be for as Paladin said to me "Mystress, we are moving from two nites a week to full time. " And I looked at him and said "Can we do this 24/7 my pet? " He smiled and said "yes, we can Mystress' and so... yes, we are. After 4.5 years.. we begin a new chapter in the new year.

As Paladin says, please send us all the good thought that you can to help buoy us along on our new path together.

Safe Paths and Happiest of Holidays to all,

Sunday, December 18, 2011


Evening all.
What a time for us all. Things are changing and the time left in the year to do it is slipping by faster than one expects. But, time slipping by isn't that bad if one has a change in the future to wait for...Mystress and I are going through a big change. If our positive thoughts hold and things fall in place, come 6 months later, we could be a full time pair in a new city. Yeah a big step indeed. We are working on the details now and are being optimistic for a good thing and we ask you all to send us positive energy to make it happen. There are some major things to happen first to make it happen yet we are very positive that they will. Who knows, maybe in the future we will be closer to many of our friends and visits maybe possible. We have always wondered what our friends are like and who knows, maybe the future will make that happen.So i keep our details private, yet ask for well wishes for we really really want this and will grab the opportunity with two hands if the opportunity presents itself.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Blog Therapy...

Dear Friends...

It's been a while since I've posted.. many things have been going on... mostly good.. but some pretty traumatic as well. I apologize in advance if this is a bit long and rambling.. but .. it needs to be written.

I had a bit of a mental and emotional breakdown last week at the VA. I found myself shaking and unable to move, lost in a place I know very well. Flashbacks from my PTSD overcoming me, I sent panicked txt's to Paladin, who sent Reiki and comforting txts back to me.

I had done a survey for women veterans a few weeks back, and some of the questions had triggered some feelings in me, and I had decided to to apply for some medical benefits since I had lost my job some months back and have a couple of broken teeth that badly need fixing and ask about a new therapy program for the PTSD . I have a dear lady veteran friend in Second Life that I've been giving Reiki to for about a year and half now, and when I read about these new benefits, I was sure it could help her too. But she was feeling very down and hopeless... but she agreed to make a pact with me, that I would go in and find out as much as I could and she w0ould go in the same week , where she lived. And that neither of us would let the other not go, or fail. So if we wanted to run, we couldn't because of the other person.

So Mon came, and off I went confidently to file for medical benefits. But once on base, in front of the trailer I needed to go in to, I suddenly, found myself in a a mass of confusion I was shaking and suddenly teary eyes. I managed to make it inside and then I was told that I didn't qualify for benefits till Jan due to last years income.. And that.. seemed to trigger even more.. and I began crying. The kind man looked at me and asked if I was okay. I couldn't stop the crying as I said something like " No.. I don't think I am okay. .I think I maybe having a bit of a PTSD breakdown'. He pulled out a map and told me I should go over to mental health then, because they have a separate program and I don't have to be in the system to get some help. Then I was lost. txting Paladin that I was confused and couldn't figure out where I was.. even with the map. It took 3 more people (angels) showing me where I needed to go before I finally arrived at Mental Health. I stood there trembling and trying not to sob. The man there was kind as well. but said that he was sorry. he didn't know why I had been sent there, as even though I appeared to be having a breakdown, they couldn't help till I get in the system in Jan. I got a momentary grip and thanked him, but when I got outside, I collapsed on a bench sobbing uncontrollably. thinking they would come put me in the loony bin.. and maybe that would be a good place for me right now.

Then, some dear lady stopped and asked if I was okay. and I manged to tell her of being sent from Intake over to Mental Health. and now. no help till Jan. She patted me on the shoulder and told me to go to Social Services, and pointed to it on my map. I got lost getting there too. took another 3 people to get me to it, but finally did, and a very kind lady asked me a couple questions.. and her eyes got big and she said I needed to go to someplace called the Vet Center, a few miles away that was specifically for folks like me, and they'd see me immediately.

I read Paladin's continued txts, and got a grip, grounded and managed to find my way to the Vet Center. I was greeted by a couple kind smiling fellow veterans, one an ex Navy Chief took me under his wing. Helped me fill out the forms and for the first time.. I wrote that I was there as a victim of a MSA and SH (Military Sexual Assault and Sexual Harassment). He was very sympathetic as he asked me gentle questions and helped me fill out the paper work. Then he smiled and asked me who was on my shit list.. I mentioned an pilot from someplace and a couple Boatswains Mates and a Machinist Mate. He smiled again and said he had a Boatswain's Mate on his list too. Then he told me that it was my lucky day, as they do an orientation once a month, they take only 8 vets in, and someone had just cancelled, and the orientation was in a hour and a half. He got me the info for my friend who I had made the pact with.

Then he gave me some other papers, and told me I needed to go file for disability benefits under MSA/SH. Really? I had never told, and certainly never thought of disability benefits for all this mess. He was adamant that I needed to go do this, and that the he and the therapists at the Vet Center would help me. That I had served my country in ways I should never have had to, and that it was only fair of the country to compensate me for my years of pain.

I was feeling calmer, although I couldn't seem to turn off the tears. I decided to go grab a quick bite before this unexpected change of events as I knew Paladin expected me to eat.. El Pollo Loco. .mmmmmm. Felt better, had a grip. Got back to the Vet Center and went in to wait for the orientation. I picked up a 'Handbook for Women Veterans' and started leafing through it. And then, I couldn't stop crying. the tears were back. I hurriedly put the book back and started reading Radar Online on my Iphone.. gave myself some Reiki.. and got myself back together again.

When we were called in as a group, it ranged from a 90 year old WW2 Vet, who'd never got help for his PTSD and his son was with him, also a vet, to be sure he did now. The youngest was in his early 20s, and Iraq vet. There were several Viet Nam vets as well.... 7 men... and me. And.. I couldn't stop weeping. No one mentioned it as the lady therapist explained how these new Vet Centers work.. that they are set up by the VA for vets to help other vet with PTST, and now.. also. MSA and SH.

It was a rough bit of time, while I didn't have the same causes of these battle vets, I had most of the same symptoms. Their 'triggers' were things like 'burning metal', 'Huey blades' and smells of decomposing grass. It turns out if we have just one symptom in each of the several categories, then that qualifies us for disability benefits. As she went down the list.. in my head.. it went click, click, click... I was still weeping the whole time.. but they all pretty much ignored it for which I was very grateful. When she asked about questions, I lifted my hand.. and asked if this is where we say 'BINGO". The humor seemed to break the painful seriousness in the room. I wasn't the only one teary eyed either. And by the end.... every one of them was crying too.. and we had only been told of the help and care we'd be getting now, in this new two year program to help us all get our lives back. We all got appointment cards at the end of the session, she said while the doors were still shut and before we could run away. *weak smiles*

So, the next day, Tue.. I kept the momentum and did what they had said, and I went and filed for disability benefits. I had another bit of a breakdown after I told the caseworker, a kind Marine vet, that I was filing for MSA/SH.. Thank goodness he knew what that meant right off, and gave me the form to write what had happened. I started shaking and and said they had told me not to tell. He reassured me it was okay now.. and for me to try and write. that I didn't' need to write any details... After I wrote it, he read it he looked up and said he was very sorry. then he said, I needed to add a sentence requesting that the VA investigator for MSA/SH to contact me. He said it was a lady from a nearby big city would call me in about a month.

*sighs* Sorry this is so long..but. .well. its important. I want any other vets like me to be able to read this, and learn the process that I have this last week. And friends and family too!

So.... yesterday. I had my first therapy appointment. The same lady therapist... Dr. Vickie. An Air Force veteran. Looked at my DD214.. looked up and said "oh.. you were in in the 70's." I nodded. She said "I have found, those were the worst years for almost any female veteran. You were really at their whim then. ' I nodded, grateful that she knew and understood. Then she said "by the way, you MSA/SH folks don't need to be in the orientation with the battle vets" But I told her that they just had a different sort of pain them mine. She asked "well.. can you tell me what happened?" I knew I couldn't without losing it, so in a moment of clarity, I had remembered to bring my disability form I had done for the benefits last week, when I had to write out. I handed that to her, and she read it. She shook her head, and said how sorry she was, and asked if I had filed that yet, and I said yes, last week after I was here. She nodded and said that was a good first step.

Then she asked about my parents, told her my mom is gone, but my step dad is still here... She told me I needed to tell him, and my friends. .and anyone else that I feel comfortable with, the truth. *big ass sighs* Not easy .. not easy by far friends.
I feel. so fragile. I've always been strong. but now.. I can't seem to stop crying.. . I applied for a job and interviewed... but now... I don't feel I can handle it. Dr. Vickie says I need to let it out. be gentle with myself. and give myself time to adjust. and let it all come out. There was more then just one incident, although that was .. well. the worst in one way, but not in others. It was ongoing for pretty much the whole four years I was in. As my dear Navy buddy says "it was peacetime, but the men brought the war to us'. and .. she was right.

I called my dad, and on Mon, I go up to talk to him. I told him a bit of what happened as he was worried at how my voice sounded.. He asked if I had a good therapist. and I said I did.. so.. more to follow. I choose Mon, cuz I know I'll see Paladin after, and he'll help me process whatever happens.

So. .there is a uber long post. I am.. hanging in there.. Paladin has been more.. amazing then ever.. and he has kept me upright and putting one foot in front of the other. We had a wonderful weekend together this past weekend.. and he continued to help me process and is very supportive of my being able to get well.

with warm thoughts to all..

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Happy Pets

Evening all.

I thought i would just announce my extreme happiness. Yes i know, its kind of a silly idea for a post, but at times i can be silly according to Mystress. The truth is i truly am happy and Mystress is the primary reason indeed. Its a simplistic idea, being happy just belonging, but its truly how i feel. Mystress has owned me now for many years and with each passing year, the happiness just grows. I wonder if other pets garner such happiness from simply belonging?

Happy with being owned.