Tuesday, November 18, 2014

The Wonders of This Life with Paladin

Greetings Friends and Readers,

I am back from my long trip to Europe.  Actually, I've been back a while now, since mid Sept.  Things have been busy since I got back, and every time I was going to come to write, it didn't seem the right time.   But, it's been long enough for sure.   

Life with Paladin continues to be remarkable.  I am still having problems related to my PTSD, and pet is ever kind, compassionate and supportive in all ways.  We have build up quite the Family of Choice here in TX, and they too are amazing.  

The years since I collared pet have passed, up to 7 now, the last anniversary passing while I was in Europe.  But, we have been making up time.  I loved the travelling, but I missed him a lot.  I missed our rituals and our daily banter.  He had communicated to me while I was travelling his desire to share some plans he had been making while I was gone.

When I returned, it was that he wanted us to begin to move on our plan for purchasing land and starting on our 5 year plan to build a family compound.  So, we looked more intensely at land, and found a great 8.35 acre lot on a street we love we have put an offer on. We are now waiting for the appraisal to be done, and we hope to close before Christmas.  Our plan is to build a smaller home first, move into it, then sell this place and have a bigger home built.  Pet wants a place for his parents to be able to retire to, and I wholeheartedly agree with him.  As I have no family left, and they will be my in-laws in the next year, I am glad to do all I can to help pets parents and brothers.  This will also be a House of Swan family compound.  If pet's parents are around when we have a house party, we'll be telling them we have friends who like to skinny dip in the pool. And hope that keeps them at a distance.  We have no idea how they will take the news of pet's plan.  I expect they will be happy about it. They will also get the formal announcement of our engagement, although pet has already been hinting to his Dad about it.  One of my greatest joys will be being able to contribute to the land, and that as a 100% disabled veteran here in Texas, we won't have to pay property taxes.  And that's a pretty big deal. Annnd, if something happens to me, pet will be able to get that and other benefits - as long as he doesn't remarry.  I would certainly want him to find someone else to be happy with if I am gone, and it would be his decision of course how far to take it.  

It is interesting how our relationship has evolved over the years, and yet, still retains the original framework.  I still delight every time he asks to use the restroom.  Or ways that I like to play with him that make him squirm.  I love it because I can do it, and he has to let me.  He loves it I think, because I am fulfilling his need to have someone top him.  He still snorts like a stallion sometimes.  I got to see the Lippizan stallions while I was in Austria, and got a statue of a rearing one for pet.  He told me he already had a horse statue, but I told him, this was an updated one.  That a Lippizan is one of the most amazing breeds, just like him. Smiles.  So now, he has two stallion statues on his nightstand.  

In June, we added 3 new members to our little family.  A long held deep desire of pet's to have his own pet.  Well, pets... as one is not normally enough for social needs. So, we now have 3 ferret kits.  And they are adorable!  Even more so is when Paladin goes up to play and feed them.   He is normally very quiet and dignified.  But... now he goes up and is crawling around on the floor playing with his 'babies'.   He loves them, they love him.  I love all of them.  I love to joke about pet's pets.    They have added a new layer to our family indeed.  And.. now pet acts like his ferrets sometimes. He giggles like them, and had some of their cute little wiggles.   I was glad to get them before  my trip.  I was gone for 10 weeks and I was thrilled he had them to keep him company.  We still have Pixie and Leo of course, but they are both pretty quiet too, and have their pet door. All they need is Pixie getting her meat at night and their dry food bowls kept filled.  The little ferrets need lots more then that.  He has gotten them off of kibble and onto meat.  He makes them a 'soup' of guts and thigh meat, and then adds bits of chicken neck for them to chew on.  He has to feed them morning and night.  But he is very adorable taking care of them.  I look forward to his family seeing him as he is now with them.   

I have some activist activities which my VA docs and pet are very supportive of.  I also am still writing on my MST blog.  I am getting more involved here in Texas in getting medical cannabis passed.  I have been called upon as a veteran to help bring about change.  I have a feeling that's why we ended up here as well. So I could be a part of using the horrible things that happened to me in the past, to bring about positive change here now.  This means I have to go to Austin, and next month, will be my first trip there for NORML activist training.  The head veteran liaison has in particular asked me to come and testify before the Texas legislators, and I have agreed.

So, that's where things are now. We still participate in local kink activities.  I am still dealing with my PTSD.  Some days are better then others.  I am careful where I go and what I do. I work not to overdue, which is very easy for me.  And I keep a protective barrier around pet and I .  I am sure to always turn to him with a smile and love, even when I am torturing him.    Which comes in all sorts of styles.  He looks forward to us having an 8 acre compound where to have all sorts of kinky fun with our kinky friends and family of choice.

We hope all our fellow bloggers out there are happy and well!
Blessings to all,


Friday, July 11, 2014

It's Official

Dear Friends and Readers,

This started on the morning of June 4th.  Pet is very good at asking me out of the blue what I am thinking. He asks because he genuinely wants to know.  And he can tell if I am fudging. It is one of our sacred rules, open and honest communications.  So, when we were heading out to breakfast, and I was thinking of, numerous things, but one thought had just crossed my mind and I was mulling it over when he asked.  I had been thinking of our talks about buying land together in the future.  We had spoken of marriage since moving to Texas, and since my divorce from my past Knight.  So, at the moment Paladin asked me what I was thinking, I was thinking, that a long engagement would be nice. I have some things I need to get in order before I am really ready myself for actual marriage.  But over time, finding a non-kinky term to refer to my relationship with Paladin has been a challenge.  We are not roommates, we have never been 'boy friend/girl friend'. We are partners and significant others in the eyes of the vanillas, but neither of those terms really fit the depth of our relationship because of the D/s aspects, yaknow what I mean?  Owner and slave is so much more then those other 'lables'.  But I had found myself using the term "fiance'" as the closest legal/relationship term.  In fact, when I went to check out the ferrets at a local store, I had used the term fiance' to refer to my expedition on his behalf, and we'd had a conversation where he said that was a fine term to use.  But, we had also had discussions in the past, where he had said he never wanted to get married.  He had never seen himself as married.  

Anyways.. so this special morning, he asks, and I say "I was thinking about a long engagement".  He makes a noise but doesn't reply.  In a few moments we are at the restaurant and seated. Coffee comes, and I order my fave breakfast, eggs Benedict. It arrives and I am thinking about our short conversation in the car.  Not one to let something go when we have started our communicating,  I mention that he didn't say anything after my response.  He says "I already thought we were". I look at him and reply "Hmm, well, you've never actually asked me pet". Without missing a beat he says "Then, will you marry me?" I belive I actually clapped my hands and bounced up and down while saying "yes, yes yes!"  

So today we officially announce, most happily, our engagement.  On the advance of our seven year anniversary.  Whoohooo!!!

Feeling blessed indeed,

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Of Travelling and Time

Greetings Friends and Readers,

It's been a hectic 3 months.  I was granted my 100% for unemployability from the VA for PTSD due to Military Sexual Trauma.  I have 70% disability for it, but am considered (essentially) too crazy to work.  Yup... afraid that is true.  The insomnia and especially the rage at the military that fights to hang onto it's 'good 'ol boy' way of doing things while young men and women are still being raped and victim shamed.  Errr.. right.. as you can see, that train quickly leaves the station and I'm less likely to use a decent filter then not.
Right... after 35 years of burying it and (not) 'dealing' with it to survive, it seems to erupt like a volcano sometimes. I still go to group every other week.  I am working on dealing with the overwhelming 'emotionality' that sweeps over me sometimes.

Pet... has been as always, fantastically amazing.  March 15 was two years now since we moved from CA to TX and went 24/7.  I thought about that this eve as I was out watering the herb garden and his voice came through the screen window "Mystress, may I use the restroom?"  (smile) "Yes pet".  If our neighbor had been outside, she would have easily heard it.   Don't think pet even thought of that as he called out to me though.  Well.. it is what is isn't it???  Life during these two years have been the most peaceful and happiest of my life.  We are the head of a Kind House and we have developed a wonderful family of choice here.  I am so very very blessed every day, and I am eternally grateful.   We have been asked to host a collaring and wedding in June here, and we are quite honored by that.

Getting the 100% also has given me the money to travel and pet has been totally supportive. So in mid Jan I flew to France,  to see a long lost and recently found beloved childhood friend who lives 90 minutes south of Paris.  It was wonderful to visit him, see his country, home, doggie and horse, and catch up on 45 years.  Then the weekend before I left he took me up to Paris and had to get back to his sick doggie, and left me at the hotel my other dear frien from Austria had gotten in Paris to spend the weekend with me there before I flew back.  Oh, what an adventure!!!  She is a dear, dear friend as well.  The hotel was near the airport so we 'took the train to Paris' (still can't belive I got to do it!) and then took a wonderful bus tour around, and I got to light a candle at Notre Dame for a dear veteran friend who passed while I was there.  I liked Paris much more then I thought I would and I look forward to going back.I have missed both of these friends very much!

 I only knew for about a week before I left that I was going to France.  I was invited by my childhood friend and as I had my passport in preparation for this summers trip to Europe, well.. Paladin said I should go... my therapist said I should go... so I did!!!  Then I was back for Valentines Day with pet and the family, and the next day, I was off to LA to stay with my best friend from elementary school before heading to northern CA to see my beloved step son and hitch a ride with my ex-Mistress back here to TX.  We got back on a Wed night, and pet had to leave for CA on Fri at 4am.  And then he was gone for 10 days.  So now, I am home until July when I go to Europe for 10 weeks.  I have friends to stay with, a volunteer job in Spain for a week, then to see my friend in Austria at her home for the first time since she moved back from China.  And she is German.  

And odd aspect was that I can't begin to say what it felt like to go travelling so spontaneously. I have never had the finances to be able to do such a thing, but with the year and half of back pay, I finally could!  I also got a new car, a 2013 Huyndai Elantra, which is the first new car I've had since a Dodge Colt my second year in the service! It replaced my '98 Corolla which I was able to give to a dear sister friend whose  previous car got squished by Hurricain Ike. And I got a new 27" touchscreen computer, which upgrades from my 8 year old computer.  I've had a growing list of things that needed replacing and this year, turned out to be the one!  And my 12 year old camera also got upgraded.  The new one has this awesome wifi thing on it that when I have an app on my phone synced with it, it will automatically send those pics from the fancyass camera to my phone!  Sooo awesome!  I feel like I've been living in the 90's and am just emerging in to the 2000's.   All along the way Paladin was so useful in helping me do research and evaluating and suggesting.  He has screen envy now.. and I've told him he's welcome to use my 'puter while I'm gone. And he likes my car too. I made sure he liked it and I got it in colors I know he likes too cuz when we go places, he drives and our county here in TX gives disabled veteran like me a free pass on the toll roads, so it makes sense to take my car when we go on them.  Never would have dreamed of that in my poor slightly beat up Corolla though.  But he likes the new silver car.  

Grins.. So, it has been a huge whirlwind since I wrote in Jan, but a wonderful one.  This eve, pet and I puttered together in the garden and we are both very happy with how its come out so far.   We have more plans to upgrade things here over the next 3 years, and then we move up to a bigger piece of land - according to pets 5 year plan.  I love a man with a plan!  And Paladin just gets better as the years role by.  In a few months, it will be 7 years since he was collared.  He is in the midst of a huge roll out of a program for his work that was causing him a lot of stress. Before his trip to see his family, I commanded him that he was NOT allowed to think about work until the weekend that he was coming back.  A few days into his trip, he sent me a txt thanking me for that Command.  (smile)  And on Wed, we had a D/s couple over and they arrived just as he was being reprimanded for tickling me by having to stand still so I could lick his nose.  That made them both break out laughing as pet wiped his wet nose off.  This week will be pretty hectic for him and I'll keep things running smoothly for him while he works hard to give us an ever better life, and he also plots his ever upwards career path.    And so we go on... and life is grand.  I love being 'retired' as my therapist call it. I love having this home with pet and the life we have.  

I bid well wishes to all out there in the blogesphere.  Sorry I've been gone for a few crazy months... but I'm back for a few before I go off again.

That's my catch up for now, got PTSD group at the local Vet Center in the morning so I best run along.  It's not just for me anymore, we get new ladies in, and seeing that haunted look as they open their closet doors... well. being there to welcome then out is a huge part of my therapy.  We had a new lady, Army show up last time. Was only supposed to stay for 15 mins, but she stayed the whole two hours... and cried along with us... I hope she comes back tomorrow.

Anyway.. best to all,

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

The Holidays Come and Go and 2014 Goals and Plans

We have had a very quiet holiday season, and it has been very peaceful.   It wasn't about 'stuff'' just about being together.  Life with Paladin, continues to be joyful!  He is.. amazling fun to live with, as well as being very competent in taking care of all manner of things.  We love all of our times together and still wonder at simple things, like not having to record the Survivor Finale so that we can watch it together.  I've learned that pets favorite thing to eat spur of the moment is Mexican.  He has been busy working on his big military truck that will pull our little home on wheels when we get it.  The travel show that that pet has been waiting for is this coming weekend and he is quite excited - for him.  He had to work last nite so we stayed home and enjoyed just being together.    

I did a 'journal' post on Fet today about my goals and plans for 2014.  I am posting it here too to keep friends here up to date as well.



2014 Is starting out watching the Lord of the Rings Trilogy with pet.. seems appropriate for 2014. A looong story of how the smallest and simplest was able to save the world with the help of a few loyal friends and protectors who believed in Good overcoming evil. -nods- That small group overcame insurmountable odds and grew in size. It gives me hope that change for the better can be wrought if we work at it together. Let us all as a community work togther to foster what is best for all. To be as loving and kind as we can be, to be of service to others and to give benifit of the doubt, and Grace. That is my over arching goal.
The last doc that the VA sent me to at the beginning of Dec for my last eval told me that I needed set goals, and to find a couple of causes to get behind next (now this) year and work actively towards changing something helps me move from survivor to advocate. The things I care about most that I can do something to help change. She asked me what those things would be and I told her. She strongly encouraged me to be as proactive as possible. So, I am following doctors orders, being a good little sailor and here are my goals for 2014.
This is not actualy a goal, but a way of being. To keep Paladin as happy and healthy as possible. To be there for him, as he is for me. To keep him feeling valued and adored as my most prize... Precious. Yes.. he is My Precious.. and I can get golum like in my obsession to be sure that he is at the best he can be, and that I do the best I can for him as he does for me. I adore my one and only Paladin!
The first actual 'goal' that I told the doc I was going to do is to be actively working with other veterans to promote the passage of the Military Justice Improvement Act. I am a survivor of military sexual trauma. I never reported because I knew that the perps were best buddies with both the Chiefs and the Commanders who decided if cases went forward or not. I also saw Commanders overturn a guilty verdict because they were buddies with the guy and felt that the training of e-5 of e-6 was worth more then a measly e-1 or e-2. This Act will take that out of the chain of Command. The military is fighting this tooth and nail. They say they will change it. Well, my attacks happened 76-80 and NOTHING HAS CHANGED. If it were your son, (1 out of 5 males will be sexually attacked in the service) or daughter (1 out of 3) sibling, grandchild, mate, or friend, what sort of justice would you want for THEM? Would YOU want to leave it at the odds of how good of buddys the perp may be with the Commander. Or that Commanders mind set? Or would you want someone impartial (geee, in the civilian world a judge with some connection to someone involved in the the case in't allowed to be on a case, they must recuse themselves) to look at the evidence and make that decision??? A vote comes up in Jan for this. I ask every one of you out there to think of a veteran or service person that you love.. and call your Senator or Representative and tell them you want them to stand behind and pass the Military Justice Improvement Act.
Here is a link to more info about it:
This vote comes up THIS MONTH
Click on this to find your representive if you are here in TX:
The next 'goal' is a bit more controversial, but interestingly enough, the Doc was very much in favor of my doing as much as I could to promote my next cause. Which will be much harder here in TX. And that is to work on changing the laws regarding medical and recreational cannabis here in TX. I have joined the Texas Normal group and plan to do my best as a veteran who has had 6 out of 7 doctors (including VA docs both here and in CA) tell me that cannabis is the best medicine for my PTSD. It was a Marine veteran with PTSD, who stepped up to a counter in Denver at 8am this morning to be the first person in our nation to buy cannabis legally in 70 years. I pray that by 2016, I'll be able to do the same thing here. This doc told me that she had read studies on how much cannabis can help with PTSD, and 'off the record' she encouraged me to pursue its legalization for medicinal purposes.
Here is a link to Texas Norml.
For both subjects folks need to step up and do something. Here is the web page again where you can find out who your reps are and get the contact info here in TX.
The other thing I'll be doing per docs orders is some travelling. what they don't know is I'll be doing it with my ex-Mistress, now dearest Domme friend. We have travelled from CA to Maryland together by car and all up and down the CA coast. I'll be flying out to CA right after Michell from Hell's Valentine party, and then she'll drive me back to TX. That will be my first trip this year.
The next will be our trip to Europe. We are going to be going to the Munro Clan gathering at Castle Foulis, which has been in my family for over 800 years. Over 300 Munros are expected to come. It will last for 3 days. Hikes, pipers, history, Highland Games, Scotch tasting and a formal Scottish dinner and dance on Sun night! My Da used to talk about Foulis.. and the family there. I look forward to meeting Hector, Chief of Clan Munro. I also firmed up on Mon that our trip will start in Amsterdam (per recommendation from my German friends who live 3 hrs from there), where my friends from Germany will meet up with my friend and I and we'll head to Germany for a couple days before catching a train up to Scotland. Then we'll come back down through London, meet up with my German friends again and then we'll spend a few weeks seeing London, Cornwall and Germany with them. We may then be in Spain for a couple of weeks, and then Italy. I want to see a fjord while I am in Europe, and my friends have promised to take me to see one. I have always wanted to see Europe and I look forward to it bunches. It looks to be about 8 weeks of travelling, and I'll miss pet something terribly! But its something he strongly supports as C and I have been planning this trip for two years now, ever since I saw that the Munro's were having this clan gathering this year, and she got her retirement from the state of CA. Two Dommes traipsing around Europe.. so don't be surprised at some groups I might be joining from over the puddle.. that's why. She's already connected up with a couple of subs in some of the areas we'll be travelling.
Oh.. and as an avid reader, I am thrilled that the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon is coming to Starz in 2014. Love the cast they have so far. Keep an eye out for it if you have Starz, it's a great story.. better then Game of Thrones to me. Set in Scotland, and I am going to see if we can go where they are shooting if they are when we are there.
Keeping the House of Swan and its members and friends happy and well as best I can is both first and last on my list. I thank all of them for their help last year, and know I'll need it again this year. And I will be there to help any and all that I can as well.
On a last note, my VA case moved to the 'preperation for decision' phase on the E-Benefits website yesterday, so I expect to have a decision on it in the next week or so. Please send all good thoughts for it to come to pass. Then I can finally get my teeth and jaw that got busted up while I was in the Navy fixed by the VA, it will also give me a great sense of justice that they will compensate me as best they can for that which there is no compensation enough for.
I wish all friend and family a wonderful New Year and a most Excellent 2014, the year of the Horse shall rock!
Mytress Swan