Easier Said Then Felt

Sometimes.. it's easier to say that 'it's okay'.. then it is to really feel it. And I can say I understand... but that doesn't mean I feel all that understanding. It' all logical and such.. but I'm not always very logical.

A little background....
Paladin was supposed to have reserved Valentines weekend for Me.. but he forgot. Instead, he did his usual Fri nite out with his friends, and was invited to a special 'Thank you' dinner with friends on Sat nite. This was not exactly what I'd had in mind for a 'special Valentines Day' weekend with ME... but by the time we talked about it.. it was too late to change plans. I was disappointed.. but bucked up and dealt with it.

I did get to see him on Sunday afternoon and to spend the evening, which WAS very nice. Again.. not exactly what I'd had in mind, but sometimes things come up and I was willing to accept it. He felt bad enough about forgetting about the Valentines weekend that he said that if he did not have to help his friend move this weekend, that he would make it up by spending the next TWO weekends with Me, and that would include Fri nites. Well.. I've certainly NEVER seen him for two Fri nights in a row....heck, I've never seen him two weekends in a row and this was quite an exciting idea. So this was a very acceptable make up to Me to make up for him both forgetting about Valentines and for seeing other folks on one of the two weekends a year I had requested. However.. I told him that as much as I would LOVE to see him two Fri nites in a row.. that I thought his friends would find that a bit odd.. and he agreed.. so I told him that I would not accept seeing him for the two Fridays in a row. I do TRY to be understanding of his needs and friendships. And I don't want to be too much of an imposition on him. So while two weekends of Fri and Sat nites was the offer, I turned down the first Fri nite.

Now.. fast forward to the other nite...
Since there was a good chance he would be helping his friend during the days, we had discussed seeing him in the evenings if he did have to help. But, I was not fully planning on him being available during the dinner time as when he has helped his friend in the past, his friend had wanted to thank him by feeding him dinner, but had thought that some time later in the jacuzzi wold be quite nice, especially since there is a good chance it's going to rain.

Well, he's not heard from his friend about the weekend yet, but Paladin says that he is having a very rough week at work, and has a huge favor to ask Me.. that if he does not have to help his friend, can we delay until the following weekend. It's only part way through the week and he is almost brain dead and he feels he's going to need to be able to recharge himself. Obviously.. he needs to do this alone.
(sigh)
Yeah.. we can.

Am I disappointed? Extremely. But.. I am not surprised. and I told him so. The reason I am not surprised is that I had a feeling that this was coming. Paladin does his best having time totally alone to recharge. He had a busy weekend last weekend seeing his friends on Fri, his other friends on Sat nite, and then Me on Sunday. Then he's seen Me for Tue nite (yes, we did end up having a short evening together and I didn't spend the nite, but had a late dinner and then left a bit after 10). And we had a nice evening last nite as well.

It was however.. after something of a difficult day.

I know that one of My weakness's is being...well.. temperamental sometimes as well as illogical. And being stubborn when wanting to get MY way. I really was quite alright and quite understanding when Paladin first asked Me for the weekend off. My logical side was certainly prevailing.

However.. after I read his posting.. I realized that I WASN'T feeling very understanding. As the evening progressed after he'd gone off to bed, I found Myself tossing and turning.. and working Myself up some.. being disappointed that a wonderful storm was brewing and the weekend evening I had been looking forward to had been plucked from My grasp. It was My own fault that I did not sleep well, tossing and turning, going over things in My head. As Paladin says, I am inclined to 'think too much'... and he would be correct. I do. I did not sleep well, finally, around 6am, I did fall asleep and did not awake until almost 10 as I was off work.

When I did awaken, I found Myself.. disgruntled about My agreement to let Paladin off the hook for seeing Me this weekend.... If he did not have to help his friend move, then I would have loved nothing more then a loooong day with nothing but pleasures and cuddling.. and perhaps a movie. Tucked in and relaxed. The more I thought about it.. the more disappointed I became. There was too much thinking going on..

Meanwhile, Paladin in his delightful ignorance assumed that all was well no idea that My version of a 'perfect storm' was brewing. However.. he began to suspect that something was not quite right when I did not answer his morning text by 10am.

You see readers... I do know that I can upset Paladin far too easily and I knew that this was Myne own private battle to wrestle and try to resolve as best I could. His request had been logical, even if it was not what I as Mystress desired. After all, he HAS been spending lots and lots of time with Me... certainly more then anyone else in his circles. And as he expressed last nite, more then any of his friends that he has known for the past 13 years.

But I was still feeling resentful yesterday before that discussion and I did not want to say that and I honestly did not know what to say that would not upset him. So instead... I tried to keep Myne own peace. However.. this was a tipoff to Paladin that I was upset. I knew that almost anything I would say would make him feel bad, and that I genuinely I did not want to do. He was left feeling that there was nothing that he could do that was right.. and while as a Mystress I don't 'have' to be fair.. I generally WANT to be.

Still.. I couldn't find a way to communicate to him what I was feeling without upsetting him., But.. there seemed to be no way to avoid it and no matter what I did.. I couldn't avoid it. And.. I did upset Paladin.. and then we were both upset.

But.. we did have a very good conversation all about it and I hope that we've found a way to work out better communications so that I don't upset Paladin. I will try to be more logical.. and not so temperamental.

And I was also able to express My feelings to him about the weekend... he has agreed that he'll have to find a way to make it up to Me.

So.. things are not always easy.. or smooth for either side of the D/s nickel, but this is a very real picture of it. Things are not always rosy. But we do our best to communicate to the best of our ability. Sometimes it's downright rough. We are both very sensitive individuals who are also very observant of each other's moods. Paladin is one of the few men I've ever known who watches Me so closely. He can immediately tell if I am a bit off about something simply by the way I do or don't look. He observes every expression, smile and chuckle and will more often then not ask the reasons for them. When I am feeling down or upset, I tend to look down, but Paladin always lifts My chin. He says that Mystress should not look down but up. Sometimes I just want to hide, but he won't let Me, unless I tell him to leave Me be, which I rarely do. I must admit, that I love that he does this.

When we both get a bit upset, it can easily spiral if we are not careful. During our long talk last nite, we discussed the best ways for Me to communicate to him when I am 'stewing' about something, without upsetting him. He says he would rather know then not know.

One of the things I did try to re-iterate with him is that I AM the Mystress... so if I want to have a temper tantrum... I get to. He is the pet.. he does NOT get to have a temper tantrum. Is it fair? Well.. as we have discussed before, this is NOT a democracy.. its something of a 'benevolent dictatorship'. He says he would have accepted if I had denied him his request to have the weekend off.... but I don't think he would have been very happy about it. Still.. he WILL OWE ME. And I most certainly.. will plan to collect.. and it will be non-negotiable then.

Last nite.. it was a cross between wanting to be sorry for being so upset, or wanting to whip him with My crop good and hard for making Me so darned angry - and worried...and he knows what I mean by that.

He has not said yet how... but I will be curious to see as to how he plans on making this up to Me.
And this time.. there WILL BE NO letting him off the hook.

Meanwhile... as always, I wish the best to all,
Mystress