The Difficulty of the Balancing Act

Its hard. Sometimes.. really hard. This being in charge and supposing to make not just all the decisions.. but the RIGHT decisions.

From the outside looking in...I think it often appears that being the 'boss' of the relationship is easy. You simply decide what it is you want to do, and Command it. Your slave kowtows to you. and blammo.. everyone's happy. Or at least it's not negotiable and the Owner goes blythly along Their way with Their slave in obedient tow.

Nada. Nope.. not the way it goes. Well.. at least for Me.

Doesn't work that way. Sometimes it does... but other times... there are so darn many other things to take into consideration. If it didn't matter to Me what Paladin thought, or needed then perhaps it would be easier. In some of the other blogs I read, the Masters or Mistress's make Their decisions and the slaves live by 'em. I wish I could be more that way sometimes. But.. alas... I'm not. Perhaps it's because I'm a primarily a healer. And.. because to Me, as an 'Owner'.. that means looking after My property.. physically, mentally and emotionally. Keeping all of the things that he needs to be happy, healthy and well in as good a balance as I can manage to.

This sometimes causes Me great difficulty. I mean.... if I was to just merrily roll along, doing only what I wanted to do, that would be one heck of a lot easier for sure. I'd get My way all the time and he'd just have to deal with it. And there ARE somethings that I am that way about. But even so.. I find Myself second guessing Myself all the time. Analyzing My decisions and choices and Commands.. trying to evaluate if what I am doing, or have done is really the best for him.

I try to be fair..and..balanced. I mean.. I really do try. My ego is such that I can't go on willy nilly as if this really is just all about Me, cuz it's not. Paladin isn't just a chunk of something that I own. He's a living, breathing, sensitive and amazing man. Yes, he is obedient.. and he would pretty much allow whatever I wanted or needed from him. And he doesn't always tell Me what I need to know to make the best choice. Sometimes I have to figure it out for Myself.. and that's not easy either. Sometimes I have to Command him to be honest with Me and speak his real thoughts... and even then, I'll get that "whatever you want Mystress" from him.

Yeah.. I could take that and run with it. But the thing is.. I KNOW him pretty well now. I know his mind.. I know his body. I know his strengths.... and I know his weakness's. Even though he doesn't want Me to remember those very much...part of My job... is having to. At least My job as I see it.

Sometimes.. .. I do want to just beat the boy's ass. I get mad and I want to take it out on him. I get frustrated.... and I want him to make it easy for Me. I want him to tell Me what I want to hear (and mean it!). I want him to tell Me that he wants to see Me, to beg to see Me... even if he's sick to death of being around people and the last thing he wants is company that he not only has to be nice to, but to be subservient and obedient to. And I don't want to have to think about that, how he feels or what he wants.. or even worse.. what I know he needs deep down inside. Sometimes, doing all that thinking is just too overwhelming.. and sometimes I wish I could just be a hard ass who didn't care about what their slave needs. But. then.. I still want to ge MY way.. even if it's not what he wants, or is best for him. Sometime when I ask him what he wants or needs, I want him to tell Me, I want him to tell Me what he really wants.. and what he needs and to not make ME choose.

But.. that's not the rules to this particular relationship. In this one... I HAVE to choose. That's one reason he's here.. so he doesn't have to. He does enough of that in everything else that he's involved with in his life. And as I've posted before, I'm a Libra.. and we go back and forth, back and forth.. enough to frustrate My own self. And I'm here, because I WANT to choose most of the time. I just want to be able to make the best decision for us both, and for it to be right and positive for us both.

We are both here because we both generally get what we need out of this. Most of the time it's pretty easy, and vastly rewarding. And that's what matters the most. Even when it's difficult for Me, the rewards of being Paladin's Mystress, far outweigh everything else, and I know that this too will pass. And that it will all be easier for Me... and for him.

Paladin is My great treasure.. and I am always honored that he has chosen to belong to Me.
He is such a positive thinker, and he is so much in the moment and never dwells on the negative. Once he decides something, I don't think he second guesses himself. I need to learn to be more like him in that way.. and I am working on it.

He is off tonight with his friends for the 'thank you' dinner.. and I truly hope he has a good time. And.. I'll stop second guessing Myself about tomorrow (which is what stirred all this up in the first place, thinking he needed at least one day alone and then him later asking Me to come see him, but not really relaying to Me that he wanted Me to, and I was feeling more like he was doing it because I wanted him to) and have a good time with him, and make sure we both get a chance to relax.

Soo.. I wish the best to everyone out there as always,
Mystress