Blog Therapy...

Dear Friends...

It's been a while since I've posted.. many things have been going on... mostly good.. but some pretty traumatic as well. I apologize in advance if this is a bit long and rambling.. but .. it needs to be written.

I had a bit of a mental and emotional breakdown last week at the VA. I found myself shaking and unable to move, lost in a place I know very well. Flashbacks from my PTSD overcoming me, I sent panicked txt's to Paladin, who sent Reiki and comforting txts back to me.

I had done a survey for women veterans a few weeks back, and some of the questions had triggered some feelings in me, and I had decided to to apply for some medical benefits since I had lost my job some months back and have a couple of broken teeth that badly need fixing and ask about a new therapy program for the PTSD . I have a dear lady veteran friend in Second Life that I've been giving Reiki to for about a year and half now, and when I read about these new benefits, I was sure it could help her too. But she was feeling very down and hopeless... but she agreed to make a pact with me, that I would go in and find out as much as I could and she w0ould go in the same week , where she lived. And that neither of us would let the other not go, or fail. So if we wanted to run, we couldn't because of the other person.

So Mon came, and off I went confidently to file for medical benefits. But once on base, in front of the trailer I needed to go in to, I suddenly, found myself in a a mass of confusion I was shaking and suddenly teary eyes. I managed to make it inside and then I was told that I didn't qualify for benefits till Jan due to last years income.. And that.. seemed to trigger even more.. and I began crying. The kind man looked at me and asked if I was okay. I couldn't stop the crying as I said something like " No.. I don't think I am okay. .I think I maybe having a bit of a PTSD breakdown'. He pulled out a map and told me I should go over to mental health then, because they have a separate program and I don't have to be in the system to get some help. Then I was lost. txting Paladin that I was confused and couldn't figure out where I was.. even with the map. It took 3 more people (angels) showing me where I needed to go before I finally arrived at Mental Health. I stood there trembling and trying not to sob. The man there was kind as well. but said that he was sorry. he didn't know why I had been sent there, as even though I appeared to be having a breakdown, they couldn't help till I get in the system in Jan. I got a momentary grip and thanked him, but when I got outside, I collapsed on a bench sobbing uncontrollably. thinking they would come put me in the loony bin.. and maybe that would be a good place for me right now.

Then, some dear lady stopped and asked if I was okay. and I manged to tell her of being sent from Intake over to Mental Health. and now. no help till Jan. She patted me on the shoulder and told me to go to Social Services, and pointed to it on my map. I got lost getting there too. took another 3 people to get me to it, but finally did, and a very kind lady asked me a couple questions.. and her eyes got big and she said I needed to go to someplace called the Vet Center, a few miles away that was specifically for folks like me, and they'd see me immediately.

I read Paladin's continued txts, and got a grip, grounded and managed to find my way to the Vet Center. I was greeted by a couple kind smiling fellow veterans, one an ex Navy Chief took me under his wing. Helped me fill out the forms and for the first time.. I wrote that I was there as a victim of a MSA and SH (Military Sexual Assault and Sexual Harassment). He was very sympathetic as he asked me gentle questions and helped me fill out the paper work. Then he smiled and asked me who was on my shit list.. I mentioned an pilot from someplace and a couple Boatswains Mates and a Machinist Mate. He smiled again and said he had a Boatswain's Mate on his list too. Then he told me that it was my lucky day, as they do an orientation once a month, they take only 8 vets in, and someone had just cancelled, and the orientation was in a hour and a half. He got me the info for my friend who I had made the pact with.

Then he gave me some other papers, and told me I needed to go file for disability benefits under MSA/SH. Really? I had never told, and certainly never thought of disability benefits for all this mess. He was adamant that I needed to go do this, and that the he and the therapists at the Vet Center would help me. That I had served my country in ways I should never have had to, and that it was only fair of the country to compensate me for my years of pain.

I was feeling calmer, although I couldn't seem to turn off the tears. I decided to go grab a quick bite before this unexpected change of events as I knew Paladin expected me to eat.. El Pollo Loco. .mmmmmm. Felt better, had a grip. Got back to the Vet Center and went in to wait for the orientation. I picked up a 'Handbook for Women Veterans' and started leafing through it. And then, I couldn't stop crying. the tears were back. I hurriedly put the book back and started reading Radar Online on my Iphone.. gave myself some Reiki.. and got myself back together again.

When we were called in as a group, it ranged from a 90 year old WW2 Vet, who'd never got help for his PTSD and his son was with him, also a vet, to be sure he did now. The youngest was in his early 20s, and Iraq vet. There were several Viet Nam vets as well.... 7 men... and me. And.. I couldn't stop weeping. No one mentioned it as the lady therapist explained how these new Vet Centers work.. that they are set up by the VA for vets to help other vet with PTST, and now.. also. MSA and SH.

It was a rough bit of time, while I didn't have the same causes of these battle vets, I had most of the same symptoms. Their 'triggers' were things like 'burning metal', 'Huey blades' and smells of decomposing grass. It turns out if we have just one symptom in each of the several categories, then that qualifies us for disability benefits. As she went down the list.. in my head.. it went click, click, click... I was still weeping the whole time.. but they all pretty much ignored it for which I was very grateful. When she asked about questions, I lifted my hand.. and asked if this is where we say 'BINGO". The humor seemed to break the painful seriousness in the room. I wasn't the only one teary eyed either. And by the end.... every one of them was crying too.. and we had only been told of the help and care we'd be getting now, in this new two year program to help us all get our lives back. We all got appointment cards at the end of the session, she said while the doors were still shut and before we could run away. *weak smiles*

So, the next day, Tue.. I kept the momentum and did what they had said, and I went and filed for disability benefits. I had another bit of a breakdown after I told the caseworker, a kind Marine vet, that I was filing for MSA/SH.. Thank goodness he knew what that meant right off, and gave me the form to write what had happened. I started shaking and and said they had told me not to tell. He reassured me it was okay now.. and for me to try and write. that I didn't' need to write any details... After I wrote it, he read it he looked up and said he was very sorry. then he said, I needed to add a sentence requesting that the VA investigator for MSA/SH to contact me. He said it was a lady from a nearby big city would call me in about a month.

*sighs* Sorry this is so long..but. .well. its important. I want any other vets like me to be able to read this, and learn the process that I have this last week. And friends and family too!

So.... yesterday. I had my first therapy appointment. The same lady therapist... Dr. Vickie. An Air Force veteran. Looked at my DD214.. looked up and said "oh.. you were in in the 70's." I nodded. She said "I have found, those were the worst years for almost any female veteran. You were really at their whim then. ' I nodded, grateful that she knew and understood. Then she said "by the way, you MSA/SH folks don't need to be in the orientation with the battle vets" But I told her that they just had a different sort of pain them mine. She asked "well.. can you tell me what happened?" I knew I couldn't without losing it, so in a moment of clarity, I had remembered to bring my disability form I had done for the benefits last week, when I had to write out. I handed that to her, and she read it. She shook her head, and said how sorry she was, and asked if I had filed that yet, and I said yes, last week after I was here. She nodded and said that was a good first step.

Then she asked about my parents, told her my mom is gone, but my step dad is still here... She told me I needed to tell him, and my friends. .and anyone else that I feel comfortable with, the truth. *big ass sighs* Not easy .. not easy by far friends.
I feel. so fragile. I've always been strong. but now.. I can't seem to stop crying.. . I applied for a job and interviewed... but now... I don't feel I can handle it. Dr. Vickie says I need to let it out. be gentle with myself. and give myself time to adjust. and let it all come out. There was more then just one incident, although that was .. well. the worst in one way, but not in others. It was ongoing for pretty much the whole four years I was in. As my dear Navy buddy says "it was peacetime, but the men brought the war to us'. and .. she was right.

I called my dad, and on Mon, I go up to talk to him. I told him a bit of what happened as he was worried at how my voice sounded.. He asked if I had a good therapist. and I said I did.. so.. more to follow. I choose Mon, cuz I know I'll see Paladin after, and he'll help me process whatever happens.

So. .there is a uber long post. I am.. hanging in there.. Paladin has been more.. amazing then ever.. and he has kept me upright and putting one foot in front of the other. We had a wonderful weekend together this past weekend.. and he continued to help me process and is very supportive of my being able to get well.

with warm thoughts to all..
Mystress