Tailspin

A good day goes bad.

In the morning, a new Fet Life friend that Paladin and I have met a few times came and gave me a wonderful pedicure.  It was his first, and he did an excellent job and learned quickly.  We had a charming chat and visit. He had loaned me 50 Shades to read (which I was surprised that I enjoyed so much and I have ordered my own set from Amazon that will be here on Tue) and it was time for me to give it back since there are others waiting to borrow it from him and I wanted to get it back to him before I leave on Sat. So that visit was the good part. 

I have been looking forward  to my trip to CA, and I still am.  But now.... my heart is heavier and sadder about it.   I only have so much time there, and much family and friends to see.  My plans are based on many other people and their schedules and their availability while I am there.  

One of the plans I had changed  Fri night.  I am lucky enough that my ex-Master, M has offered me a vehicle to use while I am in Sacramento, saving me a few hundred dollars in car rental fees.  He was supposed to work the night I arrive, so another good friend, D was picking me up and taking me to get the vehicle and then to her place, and the next day I drive to Antioch to see a couple friends for a day and a half, then drive to San Francisco to see my mother's best friend, and my now adopted mother. When I got back, I would get a chance to see M.

Well, something has come up, and now, M has to leave town while I am in SF, and he won't be back till after I am in LA.  So he took the evening off of work so he could pick me up and have at least an evening to visit with me.  He has been of enormous support over the last few years, and means very much to me. He even came and moved all of my things to Paladin's house when it was time for me to get ready for this move to TX.   He is considered part of our intimate 'poly family'.  So I needed to change my plans to accommodate his change in plans.  This meant he would pick me up from the airport and I'd spend the night at his place, and leave the next day.  I had planned to stop and take my friend D to lunch, and then I was to stay with her when I got back from SF for the weekend that we both volunteer at the Stand Down for homeless veterans. So D was getting a good chunk of my time in Sac.

*sighs*  D and I had a 'date' in Second Life yesterday, and I chased my morning visitor out early so I could spend the day with her.  A few moments after we met up in SL, I communicated to her that my plans were fluid based on what other folks availability, and that as such, M was picking me up from the airport, but that I'd stop by for lunch on my way to SF, and then be back to stay with her Thur-Sun morning, and then I'd go to my other friends from Sun-Wed when my friend from LA comes to get me.   Well..  D then says "Well, on second thought, I'll just meet you at the Stand Down' and with that, logs out of SL, leaving me stunned and in tears.  WTF????    

So, I spent the day and night in a tailspin.. shocked and upset.  It's easy enough for me to stay with my 2nd friend C as she had wanted me to be with her all along, but I wanted to give D some special time too. She is also a vet and dealing with MST. She was supposed to be my 'support person' while I am at the Stand Down.  But now... it feels like she has just dumped me.  I waited in SL all day for her to come back.. but she never did.  I was very close to getting very very drunk yesterday to deal with the pain of what feels like an emotional stomach punch and slap across the face.    I cried all day, all nite, and woke with tears still in my eyes.  I am so hurt.  I only have so much time.. and so I'm supposed to take his car but not see him??? Realize that he will be gone when I get back from SF, and I can't change those plans, there are other folks that have built their calenders around me.  My friend in Antioch only gets off early on Sun, so I don't want to wait a day to go see them.  My mom's friend has been greatly looking forward to my seeing her, I can't cut her short... plus.. I was already scheduled to stay D for the days I was supposed to be with her, and be at the Stand Down all day Fri and Sat, and with her in the evenings after we go home for the night, over one short evening with M.  I don't even get in town till 8:50pm, so it's not like a long nite.  And I  will have been traveling since 9am.. I'm on CMT, two hours ahead of CA and I know I'll be exhausted early.. so the time I have with him won't be much as it is.  Please, someone... tell me what else I could do to fit all this in?????

I miss Paladin terribly. He was in contact with me via txt all day, and I know he was upset for me.  He told me I was doing my best, and that it didn't seem fair for this friend to get so upset.  He had the same thought I did.  He said "That would be like my getting in town, borrowing my mom's car while she was out and leaving to see friends and knowing she wouldn't be in town when I finally got back with her car. That's not the right thing to do at all." He had watched me pricing rental cars before M offered me up a vehicle borrow and knew that was a cost I had been trying to get to work, and how relieved I was when M offered up the car.  Plus.. I do still love M very much, he is family.  There were many times he has taken me on a short trip out of town (with Paladin's support and encouragement) to a ritzy suite in Reno, and plied me with champagne and a giant jacuzzi bubble bath, and yummy meals when I was so severely depressed.   He went out of his way to give me some good mental get- a-ways and get me to laugh some.  He has helped me out financially many times, and it's his car he (as a car mechanic fixed up) sold me that got me here to TX and that I rely on so much now. He truly helped keep me sane when it felt like things were crumbling around me over the past several years.  I trust him fully with all my heart, and he has always done it good.  And, if I hadn't had Paladin, he would have intervened and moved me to his cabin rather then let my ex make me totally nuts.  It wouldn't feel right to be so near and not see him!! I do owe much of my sanity to him in several ways.  

*Sighs again*.  I love this friend D, I really do.  But we lost several years when she had a bad drinking problem and blew me off when I tried to call and reconnect with her.  It had been a few months since we had spoken, and she snarled at me that if I was only going to call her once in a while, to never call her again.  I remember how hurt I was then, but thought 'okay.'  I only contacted her shortly before my move to TX because I had her mother's garden chair and I wanted her to have the chance to have it back again.  D didn't remember having been so nasty to me, but I did and so did Paladin, as he remembered how hurt I'd been when that happened. She apologized for that, said she didn't remember it.  So I accepted her apology and have rebuilt my friendship with her since then, but honestly, this all feels like that time before when she hurt me so badly.   Still no word from her, so I guess I will make my plans for my trip without her. I am also afraid now... if I did stay with her and she blew up at me like this.... it could be.. too damaging to me. I need grace.. and patience.. and understanding of my situation, which I thought she had.  But now... I am hurt and afraid.

By this time tomorrow, Paladin will be home.. and I'll be so glad to have him back.

Our new sub J, has been very helpful and I give him kudos for keeping in touch and doing his best to help me.  He did come and vacuum my whole upstairs on Fri, and I greatly appreciated it, and we had a nice visit with some other friends to play board games here on Fri night.   But I also know, he wants to be 'played', and used some.  But right now.. that is beyond me.  I don't want anyone or thing but Paladin. I don't want to think about what I have to say, or keep someone company or be a hostess. I don't feel very nice, so it's best I just be alone.  It's all I can do minute by minute right now to not go and up-end something liquid to kill this pain.

Mystress.